Saturday, Nov. 01, 2003 - 9:36 p.m.
INTENSITY & TEARS
My Dearest Friend:
I am so very touched by your Father's Illness. I cry for him daily and for you my dear friend. I cry for your Mother, and the pain she feels. I pray the Lord allows my tears to ease your pain and hers, and the pain of your entire Family.
I know our friendship was born so that we can help each other through some of life's cruelest days, not just to celebrate the good ones.
We are so good for each other in this way, yet I feel helpless right now, as I'm sure you do too. I feel you so intensely and so completely. I feel the numbness you experience as well as the acute pain, and the daily morning reminder that it is all too real.
You write [11:07 AM]: we are probably going to have to move him to a skilled nursing facility or hospice at home... I can't care for him myself cause I don't know how to do... all that he needs.. we haven't decided as yet ..
Links to Hospice Sites
I want you to understand the hospice process. It is designed for the patient to die with dignity and with the absence of physical pain. Nothing can make up for your loss, but there are ways to begin the healing process for you and your Mom and Family.
I keep telling you that you will be all right, because in time you will be. But for now I know firsthand the pain you feel. And my advice to you is to feel it and let it wash over you. In doing so, you will find that you will feel better knowing that you have not denied you self the opportunity to grieve.
Cry. Crying is good. It will help you to accept the Lord's will even when you can’t. For His will contains much love. Crying will make you strong. Come cry with me, and we will be stronger together.
I am here for you, and will help you grieve in a way that will help you move on with the rest of your life. I am too good at this grieving thing, having buried my entire family beginning as a teenager. Is this why I am who I am? Is this why he brought us together four years ago when he came to take my Mom? I pray the Lord allows me to help you.
There is a blessing in all this. It’s hard to believe that there can be a silver lining to this intensely dark cloud; but there is.
The Lord chose to give you time. There is time to say all the things that you need to say. The Lord did not take your Dad suddenly without warning as so many families have experienced. (I being one of those who lost my dad suddenly – I never got to say goodbye or I love you.) For the rest of my life I wished I had. I am thankful that you are spared at least this much pain.
There is time to put affairs in order. There is time to laugh again, and to hear him laugh – even if it is the laugher of relief and the absurdity of it all.
I won’t tell you what to do, my dearest friend. I will, however, remind you what I did with my Mom. If it gives you guidance, so be it.
We all knew that Mom knew she was dying. We told her. And she accepted it. We asked her if we did the right thing, and she said we had. She wanted to know, so she could face it with us together. So she could cry with us. So she could understand why we feel what we feel. So she could help us even in her final days. That meant everything to her.
My Mom had a say in her final arrangements. She picked out the dress she would wear and the prayer on the back of the Mass card, among other things. But, most of all she had time to say to us individually the things she wanted us to remember, especially that she loved us. When the time came we felt that she was with us, and we were doing what she wanted. We had no doubts about that. And that helped so much. I made the arrangements myself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I would be honored to help you in this way.
Your Dad might want to have this opportunity too.
In Hospice Care they use morphine and pain killers which take away the pain, but the drugs also deprive us of communicating with our loved one too. He will be asleep most of the time and unable to speak, so it is good to be with him as much as possible now when you can have those long talks. Tell him everything that is on your mind. Remember that he made you feel loved and wanted when you were little. He will never “not love you” no matter what. Be honest and open with your Dad as you have been with me, and you will keep so much of your Dad alive inside you.
So I believe we did the right thing for my Mom by telling her the truth.
There are the Practical Matters. I hope that what I am about to say does not sound cold or without feeling. I am in tears as I write this. I take strength in saying them for you to contemplate when you feel stronger.
Another reason to tell your Dad about his illness is so that he can facilitate getting his affairs in order. This is not something you want him to be concerned about at the end. So it is best to do it now, while he is alert and able to contribute. He wants to contribute, I’m sure.
And then there are the Holidays. With Thanksgiving Day and Christmas approaching, I know too well that it may be his last. So it is so important that it be the best. Honesty and openness will enable it to be that way. It should not be the day he learns of his illness. Rather, it should be a time to remember, and talk about everything dear to your heart and his.
It will certainly not be a time of celebration, I know. But in years to come, it will be again, and that is what your Farther wants for you and everyone so much. So help him give you this piece of your future, as he always wanted you to have it.
This year will be different from all the others, so celebrate instead the Thanksgiving of the Lord and the Birth of Our Savior for His Blessing is upon you.
What is that blessing? This year you celebrate your thankfulness for the gift of eternal life and happiness for your Dad. There is no more precious gift than that! And while you may not toast this moment you will surely never forget it, and so you must remember it in your heart forever. It will rest comfortably there if you open it up right now.
It is a time for your relatives in New York and elsewhere to be with you. It would be a good time to get a cell phone so you can keep in touch with everyone at a moment’s notice. This is an exceptional time, and it calls for exceptional people to come forward. I stand by you.
UBU
I know you so well Drue. I know you to be the care giver of your Family. You are just like your Mother. I know that this time is made more painful and more frustrating to you because you are unable to provide the care your Father needs. You can't do what can't be done. Let me help you find a way. Your brothers and your husband may need help with this period of time and the moments that will come. Perhaps you can fulfill that beautiful side of you by helping them open up to this. They may have trouble doing so. If you can succeed in that, then you will spread the goodness of your Dad even further, and you will feel less helpless.
You can do no better for your Dad than let him see you be you.
The turned thumb – It is a moment not to fear
One of the questions you will ask is how will you know when the end is near? It is an important question, and I want to tell you about it now while you are able to grasp it. Later you may be busy with decisions and such. So, my dear friend let me tell you about this.
In the days before he leaves you, you will notice that his thumb is turned under and grasped by his four fingers. It's a phenomenon that accompanies death. Perhaps it is a way the mind tries to hold on to itself. But I believe it is the Lord's way of letting us know that he has summoned His Angles to bring your Dad to eternal happiness and he is holding tightly on to their wings.
It is one way the Lord spares you from suddenly interrupting.
Think of it as a moment of relief. It's relief from pain. It's relief from suffering. It's a time for your Dad to begin a new life in the Eternal Presence of the Lord. It's also a time to begin your own healing. It would be unfair to hold on to him, and keep him from God a moment longer.
I pray we will have many talks before then, and I will prepare you as best I can for it.
Even if you do all these things, it will still be painful, but it will be a healing pain, not a hurting pain. I know I can't be there with you when the moment arrives, but perhaps my words and thoughts can hold you and support you, and that is really all that matters to me.
My Angles are with you and with your Dad right now. I have no better need for them to be where they are than where I have sent them.
Be well my friend. I am praying for you and with you with intensity and tears.
You are my Dearest Friend, ever!
